How American Idol Traumatized Me

You read that right. Vulnerable post going down you guys. I haven’t talked about this part of my life on here much but it’s such an important part of my development and I want to share...

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When I was 16 I auditioned for American Idol. I’m from a TINY little town so this news was all the rage! I’m going to spare you the long details of the process, but basically...auditioned and made it to the Top 36 out of over 100,000 people. Hollywood week, Simon, Paula, Randy, performed in front of America...the whole nine yards.

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I was a minor so I had to be taken out of school, moved to LA for a couple months, and had to do independent study. It was a lot.

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This had been a dream of mine since I was little girl but actually living it? I hated it. I missed my friends. I missed choir practice. I missed my English teacher. I was a baby!

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From the start I felt so much pressure. My family (bless their heart) were so proud and excited. They bragged and bragged to everyone. My school put me in the morning announcements and made  posters while I was gone, my church organized a whole “vote for Stevie” campaign. The love was real...and so was my anxiety.

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I got the message that it was important for me to win and put my hometown on the map. It was never explicitly said...but I felt like my worth was wrapped up in whether or not I was the next American Idol. 😦

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Well, my big performance came...and I choked. The producer literally handed me the microphone before going on stage and said, “ok..you’re about to perform in front of 33 million people. Don’t mess up.” I’ve actually never watched my performance almost 11 years later, it brings up a lot of shame for me.

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I got really bad feedback from the judges and I was voted off the next night. Part of me was relieved! It was over..things could go back to normal. But the other part of me was like, “I just let down my family, my town, my friends, everyone.” It was hard. Kids at school made fun of me for my performance, or called me stuck up because “I thought I was better then everyone else.” I felt so shut down. It took all the fun out of singing.

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So often I feel like we think our worth is tied into our achievements and being perfect. We get the message that we have to Do, Achieve, Hustle, Grind, and Prove Ourselves. Nothing less then perfect.

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Now, 11 years later...I’m just now digging into this worthiness wound. I’m learning that I’m worthy literally for no other reason than for being born. At my core I’m a Divine being of light and love. At my core I’m whole and perfect. I’m learning that I GET to dig into my pain in order to transcend and release it!

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Did you ever get that message? That you have to hustle for you worth? I’m here to tell you it’s NOT true my love. You don’t have to do anything to own your worth and power. You don't have to do, be, achieve, or accomplish to prove your worth. You don't have to be at a certain place in your career, you don't have to make a shit ton of money, you don't have to be the perfect mom...none of it. You are good enough exactly as you are.

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Singing is my passion it always will be. It’s in my bones and in my soul. I’ll always use my voice. And I also know that coaching is my purpose and path. I’m so happy to be doing this work on myself. I’m so honored to help facilitate and guide others to self acceptance.

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If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading! I’d love to know in the comments if you’ve struggled with this belief? Let’s chat about it💜